[Shortly after the election, I started writing a three act play, a mashup loosely inspired by Ubu Roi and King Lear. Now, a month into the new regime, I think I saw what had happened and what was coming fairly clearly. So, rather than obsess over the outrage du jour, I am posting the play here, a scene at a time.]
The press briefing room at the White House. It's full of reporters. The Press Secretary, a tall, spectacularly beautiful, blonde, white woman in her mid-thirties wearing a slinky evening dress, a black, velvet choker, and a bowler hat, mounts the podium.
Press Secretary:
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, on this first anniversary of the historic election that heralded in the fulfilment of that lovely phrase adorning our beloved and very beautiful currency, Novus Ordo Seclorum, meaning it's a new day in America, welcome to you for the first of maybe one or two White House press briefings! Please welcome His Most Excellent and Effulgent, meaning shining, you can look it up, the POTUS with the mostest, the only and only... Trumpaboo!
Polite smattering of applause from a few in attendance. The others give them dirty looks. Then they wait. Nothing happens.
Press Secretary:
HIS MOST EXCELLENT AND EFFULGENT, MEANING SHINING, YOU CAN LOOK IT UP, THE POTUS WITH THE MOSTEST, THAT'S MY PHRASE I MADE IT UP, THE POTUS WITH THE MOSTEST, THE ONE AND ONLY... TRUMPABOO!
Another long, silent pause. Then Trumpaboo enters, to very little applause, followed by three aides, Lotsabucksaboo, Little Paulie, Speaker of the House Yonson, Senate Majority Leader Petrovich, and Vice POTUS Vontz. Vontz wears a bedbug costume. Trumpaboo replaces the Press Secretary at the podium.
Trumpaboo:
Thank you, thank you. Sorry for the delay. I was finishing my breakfast. A hearty breakfast is the foundation of a happy day. Bagels eggs and sausage. The Jews can make good grub, you know that? That's why we're letting them stay. But enough about me. What about you? Are you happy? You, in the front row, Associated Press.
Reporter #1:
They gave us oatmeal in our cells this morning. They called it oatmeal.
Trumpaboo:
You bet. American oats. I opened the box myself, read the label and it said right there, American oats. No added sawdust. None. But enough of that. That's not what you're here for, right? You, front row, Fox.
Reporter #2:
The oatmeal was very good, sir.
Trumpaboo:
I love you, Fox. You're beautiful. Fuck snooze, ha ha. (Mimes performing fellatio on the microphone.) So let's spread the love around, shall we? That's what you're here for, to spread the love. So, ask me questions. Ask me anything. Bring it.
Silence.
Trumpaboo:
Really. Anything. I'll only broadcast the good bits. Let a million flowers bloom! You there in the back row, NPR.
Reporter #3:
Since you signed the Universal Tariff Order, prices on all basic commodities have risen 3,000%. Focus groups say they thought it would cost the Chinese, not them. How do you intend to -
Trumpaboo:
Let me tell you a little story. That was a nasty question, by the way. Maybe I should ask the questions. What was I saying? Oh, yes. When I was five my father gave me a nickel to buy a pickle. But I didn't want a pickle. I wanted chewing gum. Chew chew chew chew chew chewing gum. How I love chewing gum. But father wanted me to bring him back change. Next? You there sitting on the aisle, CBS.
Reporter #4:
Some people have expressed surprise at the sudden disappearance of their undocumented relatives. At the same time, important sectors of the economy are collapsing for lack of workers. Do you -
Trumpaboo:
The very best agronomists are all behind me on this. All of them.
Reporter #4:
May I have a followup? (Trumpaboo nods yes.) Don't you mean economists?
Trumpaboo:
Agronomists, economists, what's the difference? Do you know? Well, I know better. We're putting Americans back to work at American jobs and blacks back to work at black jobs and their women back in the kitchen fixing up a tub of grits. Speaking of grits, do you know what a whore looks like on her back with a mound of chitlings on her stomach and shrimp on her nipples? They told me this one in New Orleans, I believe it was. Next, that online guy there standing in the back.
Reporter #5:
Having gone to war with Denmark -
Trumpaboo:
To liberate Greenland from Danish oppression. With all due modesty, they say I am the greatest military leader in the cause of freedom since Eisenhower.
Reporter #5:
Who says that?
Trumpaboo:
Everybody.
Reporter #5:
Why, then, did you immediately follow that up by bombing Teheran and sending troops to invade China?
Trumpaboo:
Who gives a rat's rear end about the border any more, am I right? Next, BBC.
Reporter #6:
Former POTUS Lear and Vice POTUS Cordelia reportedly have taken refuge in the Independent Republic of Ethan Allen, formerly State of Vermont. Do you have plans to -
Trumpaboo:
What a shithole place. Fucking maple syrup. They like to talk about their maple syrup. It's all you hear about. And their foliage. Oh, their foliage. What beautiful fucking foliage they have. It's all you ever hear about, foliage foliage foliage. That and cheese, don't get me started. Did you know they don't have t.p. there? It's that primitive kind of a place, no running water, no internet, no toilet paper, back yard crescent-moon-in-the-door one-seater shithouses. They wipe their asses on their beautiful fucking leaves, then they sell them to tourists. Oh look at the beautiful brown and yellow leaf! I'm taking this opportunity to declare a 90% tariff on all products from Vermont. As a public health measure. Until they turn over those -
Press Secretary:
Sir, it's time for your late mid-morning massage.
Trumpaboo:
Oh yeah, where was I? Where am I? Security!
Six burly security guards enter, carrying assault rifles.
Trumpaboo:
Clean up this mess.
The security guards shoot all the reporters. SCROTUM descends from the heavens.
Chief SCROTUM Ninolito:
Ego te absolvo.
Trumpaboo:
Sic semper enemies of the people. I'm the enema of the people. I just gave the people a great big douche. Now the people will be cleaner and fresher! (Deep, satisfied inhale, like a man in an air freshener commercial.) Hey, Mr. Great Big High and Mighty Ninolito. Did I ask your permission to do it? Did I beg your pardon for it? Who said I need to? I pardon myself. Who needs you? Not me. Ego me absolvo, pencil-neck. Security, remove these airheads from the jurisdiction. It's an official act. Wait - except for Mr. Associate SCROTUM Long Dong. I can use him.
The security guards gun down SCROTUM, except for Long Dong.
Trumpaboo:
Let's get out of here. Francine, we need to take a meeting concerning your future employment. You can leave your hat on. Little Paulie, you watch and take notes.
Trumpaboo leads the guards, the aides, the Press Secretary, Little Paulie, Long Dong, and Vontz out of the room. Speaker Yonson, Majority Leader Petrovich, and Lotsabucksaboo stand by the podium, looking upon the room full of corpses.
Lotsabucksaboo:
He's getting a bit erratic, wouldn't you say, Mr. Speaker Yonson?
Yonson:
I hate it when he calls me Little Yonnie and laughs and points at my crotch.
Lotsabucksaboo:
Mr. Majority Leader Petrovich?
Petrovich (thick Russian accent):
Vontz gets it worse. Don't be crybaby. Is maybe running out his usefulness?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Not yet. We still need him to sign things. But how much longer?
