[Shortly after the election, I started writing a three act play, a mashup loosely inspired by Ubu Roi and King Lear. Now, a month into the new regime, I think I saw what had happened and what was coming fairly clearly. So, rather than obsess over the outrage du jour, I am posting the play here, a scene at a time.]
The Cabinet meeting room. A big conference table, with a large card at each seat designating the title of whoever is to sit there. Lotsabucksaboo is sitting at the head of the table. The Cabinet Members trickle in and with some difficulty - not all of them appear entirely literate - find their seats. In the process, the Secretary of Defense gropes the Director of National Intelligence. She tries to punch him, but he gets away.
Sec. of Defense (wearing a crusader helmet, looking around, puzzled):
I thought this was the sex offenders support group. Hiya, Bobby! (Waves to the Secretary of Health and Human Cervixes, who grins and waves back.)
Sec. of Health and Human Cervixes:
That's tomorrow.
Sec. of Defense:
Where's the President?
Lotsabucksaboo:
You'll see him tomorrow. Supporting sex offenders is a priority for this administration. (Slaps his hand on the table to draw attention.) Okay, people, let's settle down. Welcome to the first Trumpaboo administration Cabinet Meeting.
Applause.
Lotsabucksaboo:
Let's start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Everybody, rise.
The Cabinet members all rise from their seats and place hands over hearts. They repeat after him, including "Repeat after me."
Lotsabucksaboo:
Repeat after me: I pledge allegiance to President of the United States of America, one nation, indivisible, under Trumpaboo, with liberty and justice for sale.
They resume seats. Sec. of Education raises her hand.
Lotsabucksaboo:
Secretary of Education.
Sec. of Education:
I miss the Frowitchitstans part. Is this the orientation? Where we find out what we're supposed to do? Where's the bathroom?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Frowitchitstans?
Sec. of Education:
You know, the Republic Frowitchitstans. Is that in Russia?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Yes. The bathroom's out the door and down the hall to the right. Use the one that matches the gender the Attorney General assigns you. As to what you're supposed to do, the president doesn't give a flying fuck. Just say nice things about him, make sure he gets his cut, and everything will be okay.
Sec. of Labor raises her hand. Lotsabucksaboo ignores her.
Sec. of Defense:
So I may purify our holy warriors? By purging those who criminate against nature from among them?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Sure.
Sec. of Defense:
And I may send them to rescue the Holy Land from the infidel?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Whatever.
Secretary of Homeland Security, as you know, the president has ordered the border closed to all imported goods. What you didn't know is that he only cares about electric cars. No electric cars get in, got it?
Sec. of Homeland Security:
Got it. What about the rest of the stuff?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Do whatever you want with it on the black market, so long as the president gets his ten percent. You all know about the ten percent, right? Good.
Attorney General, how is the hunt for Lear and Cordelia going?
Attorney General:
The FBI are looking everywhere. Haven't found them yet.
Lotsabucksaboo:
Look harder.
Sec. of Labor raises her hand. Lotsabucksaboo ignores her.
Dir. of National Intelligence:
(Indicating Sec. of Defense) He goosed me.
Attorney General:
Me too.
Sec. of Health and Human Cervixes:
God, you're so hot.
Sec. of Defense:
They are. And we all, each of us, have been chosen to serve God's tool, Trumpaboo. Shall not the brides of Christ's vicar's apostles lie back and enjoy it?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Okay, guys, knock it off. Hands off cabinet members. And discussion of cabinet members' hotness is reserved strictly for me and Trumpaboo. Got it?
Sec. of Health and Human Cervixes and Sec. of Defense (grudgingly):
Got it.
Sec. of Labor raises her hand. Lotsabucksaboo ignores her.
Attorney General (to Sec. of Defense):
My people have guns.
Dir. of National Intelligence:
Me too.
Sec. of Homeland Security:
I'm carrying right now. (Displays a large hand gun.) Try anything on me, I'll drop you like a disobedient dog.
Sec. of Health and Human Cervixes:
I thought this was going to be fun. Can I put my hands on my own member?
Dir. of National Intelligence:
I know where to get novichok. Just saying.
Sec. of Defense:
Bring it, you Marxist bitch. I've got nukes.
Lotsabucksaboo:
Let's all just take a deep breath and chill out, shall we?
Sec. of Labor raises her hand. Lotsabucksaboo ignores her.
Sec. of Energy:
May we talk about oil exploration now?
Lotsabucksaboo:
Frack away, buddy. Make sure the big guy gets his cut.
Sec. of Health and Human Cervixes:
We thought there would be sandwiches.
Lotsabucksaboo:
We?
Sec. of Health and Human Cervixes:
Me and Binky (tapping his head).
Sec. of Education raises her hand. So does Sec. of Labor.
Lotsabucksaboo:
Secretary of Education.
Sec. of Education:
I need to go wee. Can I have a hall pass?
