[Shortly after the election, I started writing a three act play, a mashup loosely inspired by Ubu Roi and King Lear. Now, a month into the new regime, I think I saw what had happened and what was coming fairly clearly. So, rather than obsess over the outrage du jour, I am posting the play here, a scene at a time.]
On a somewhat worn but obviously deep and very comfy sofa sit Ma and Pa Joad, white working class, facing a very large tv screen. The audience can't see what's on the screen. The only other set element is a door, the entrance to the Joads' apartment.
The Turd Chorus opens the scene at conversational volume, mostly in a monotone that emphasizes the rhythmic quality of the line being spoken, line rapidly following line. A line may be spoken by anything from a single member of the Chorus to several members, but never by the full ensemble until the Chorus' last speech.
Dialogue is shouted over the Chorus at approximately the points indicated in the script.
Turd Chorus:
It's neck and neck
It's neck and neck
He gets a bump
She gets a bump
It's battleground! Battleground! Battleground! Battleground!
Here or somewhere else
A likely voter we talked with today in a diner in Kankakee
Says that she'll destroy the country
She says something
He says
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Pa Joad:
Ma, where's Tommy?
Turd Chorus:
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Battleground! Battleground! Battleground! Battleground!
Wherever you are it's being decided
Somewhere else
Wherever you are it's being decided
Somewhere else
A likely voter we talked with today in a shipping mall in Philly
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Ma Joad:
Went to the store, Pa.
Turd Chorus:
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Policy policy policy policy
Everything you need to know we'll tell you
Everything we say you'll need to know you'll need to know
And what you need to know we'll never say
Impartial fair complete unbiased and we always tell the true
Conventional wisdom
It's your neck
It's neck and neck
She's got a bump he's got a bump
Battleground! Battleground! Battleground! Battleground!
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Pa Joad:
What for?
Turd Chorus:
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Ma Joad:
An egg.
Turd Chorus:
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Better when it was the way it was when it was better
Says a foster mom in Ardmore Oklahoma
Death and destruction in places where it's
Death and destruction being decided
More or less or more or what it is is what we said
Inflation! Inflation! Inflation! Inflation!
Is what we tell you you say what we say you say you care about
Many people in focus groups in places where
It's being decided tell us things are
Not as good as when they think they thought that things were better
Not as good as when they think they thought that things were better
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Pa Joad:
Oh good, protein for dinner!
Turd Chorus:
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
Ma Joad:
Nothing's too good for my boys.
Turd Chorus:
She says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says she says he says
It's neck and neck
Your neck his neck her neck
She bumps his bump
He bumps her back
The impact this will have on how it all turns out
Is being decided somewhere else
But who can say I can say we can't say but we always keep on saying
Blah blah blah blah Trumpaboo blah blah Trumpaboo blah blah
Blah blah blah blah Trumpaboo blah blah Trumpaboo blah blah
Pa Joad:
This is boring. Change the channel, Ma.
Ma Joad waves a remote control at the tv.
Turd Chorus (all together now):
Her pussy has fangs! Her pussy has fangs! Her pussy has fangs!
Eating babies
Chew you to a stump and
You can feed your family on what's left
Only the Man with the iron cock his iron cock his iron cock
Can ream her out right where it counts
Bloody chiclets bloody chiclets bloody chiclets
And you can feed your family on what's left
So once you do it for him once you'll never have to
Never have to never have to never have to
Doorbell. Ma Joad waves the remote. The Turd Chorus abruptly shuts off.
Pa Joad (without getting up):
Who's there?
Trumpaboo Junior (from the other side of the door):
I'm Trumpaboo Junior, Field Representative for the Lotsabucksaboo Coveryerassets Hedge Fund. I have some exciting news for you. May I come in?
Pa Joad:
Sure, the door's open.
Trumpaboo Junior, a middle-aged white man in a checkered, polyester leisure suit, enters.
Trumpaboo Junior:
Congratulations! Please don't get up. (Neither Joad has made any move to do so.) Your home is about to become much more valuable. We have bought the building; as a result of which, your next month's rent will increase 500%. Due immediately. thank you. I'll let myself out. Goodbye, and have a nice day.
Trumpaboo Junior exits.
Pa and Ma Joad sit in silence.
Tom Joad enters, carrying an egg. He is a strapping young man in his twenties.
Pa Joad:
Glad you're back, Tom. You might want to hand Ma that egg before I tell you the news.
Tom Joad (handing the egg to Ma Joad):
Who was that guy I saw leaving here?
Pa Joad:
You might say we've been tractored out by the cats. Well, it ain't the first time.
Ma Joad:
Now, how'm I gonna divvy this three ways? I tell you what, Tommy, you're starting tomorrow at that chicken gutting plant, you need your strength. A payin' job!
Pa Joad:
Glory be!
Ma Joad:
You take the whole thing for yourself and Pa and I will fill ourselves up on watching you eat. tomorrow is another day!
Pa Joad slowly nods his assent. Tom hesitates, then bursts into tears, and the three of them asemble for a group hug.
Pa Joad:
Tell you what, though. That colored lady on the tv. I'm not so sure about her.
